Time Reveals The Real Root of a Problem

My daughter and I were out the other day when we saw a woman grabbing a little boy by his arm. He was sitting on the ground, steadily resisting her. As we got closer we could hear the woman pleading helplessly with the little boy to go inside and join the rest of the kids at the birthday party. Still, he shouted for her to let go of him and leave him alone. The woman appeared frustrated, so after introducing myself, I asked if I could help. She replied that I could try but it wouldn’t make a difference. She asked if my daughter could get a security guard to help. My daughter complied and went to find one. I said, “I take it he’s not your son, correct?” She replied, “No. But I called his mother to pick him up since I can’t get him to go inside.” I said, “I’m guessing there may be some behavioral issue here.” She nodded and explained that he was bi-polar. He had a problem with another boy and threw his laser gun down so she told him he couldn’t play with the other children. She wanted him to calm down and stop his tantrum. He refused and sat as though he was bolted to the ground. Unfortunately, she needed to watch the rest of the children inside. My daughter returned with the security guard who said he couldn’t do anything really, so she agreed to give me time to speak with him.

I sat down Indian style (to mirror the same position as the boy) and asked him his name and how old he was. He didn’t respond so I said, “Sweetheart, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what is hurting your feelings. I want to help you fix the problem so can you please tell me what’s wrong. Slowly he lifted his head and studied my face for a few moments and then he returned his head to his lap, burying his face, and began to answer my questions. He shared his name and that he was nine. After talking with him for a few minutes, I was able to get to the core of the issue. He was at a party where his new friend had so many other children around him that this little boy was hurt and felt unimportant which, made him miss his friend that was killed in a car accident a few years back.

I asked what he remembered the most about his friend and he said that, “He had the most beautiful blue eyes,” and he began sobbing heavily. Wow! So I asked what color his new friends eyes were and he looked up again with a confused look on his face and admitted that he didn’t know. I explained that his new friend probably didn’t know that his best friend had died or realize that he was hurting his feelings. I explained that if he knew I was sure it would make him sad. He insisted that the other boy didn’t care. So I looked up at the woman and in a low voice (so he couldn’t hear) asked her to go get his friend. She shook her head and said that it wouldn’t work because this little boy was bi-polar and that’s just how he gets. “Trust me. It will. Just ask him to come out and get his friend. Tell him what happened,” I insisted. While she went inside I told the little boy to look at his friends eyes and see what color they were. His friend came out and took time to speak to him for a moment in the most gentle and caring way imaginable, especially for a boy his age. He asked him to come back inside and join the party. The boy looked at me, and then gave his friend the most interesting look, as he studied his eyes.

The boy picked up a small, colorful leaf and examined it. It was simply flawless. Softly, he took my hand and placed the leaf in my palm. He said, “It’s beautiful, like you.” A large lump rested in my throat as his friend reached for his hand and pulled him up. Before he went back inside, he leaned over and whispered to me, “They’re blue.”

The woman embraced me with a warm hug and thanked me repeatedly before returning to the party. The perception appeared to be that the young boy was throwing a tantrum due to his diagnosis of being bi-polar. I believe an illness doesn’t make you any less human or cancel out your personal feelings about something. As adults, we have become unsympathetic when it comes to getting to the root of an issue for many reasons and one of them, being time. Taking a few moments to hear what someone is trying to say can make a huge difference. Please make time to consider what is really going on with someone before making, what could be, an inaccurate assessment. All I’m saying is let’s take a little more time and effort to get to the root of a problem before labeling it or dismissing it. When people feel that you care they will trust you to help with a resolution to a problem. No one wants to have internal conflict. People want others to consider their feelings. No one, not a child nor adult wants to feel that his voice doesn’t matter. Listen and then react. Sometimes the solution is simple, care enough to listen. What you think and feel may be so different from the other person’s perspective but guess what, it’s how they feel. Respect that.

After everyone had gone inside the security guard looked down and asked if I was okay. I replied, “Of course not. Do you think I’m just sitting here for no reason? I can’t get up. The last time I sat Indian style, I was a kid!”

Hugs,

Marala Scott

Plus-Size Models Unite

Plus-Size Models Unite is an on-line community for ALL women to share their personal stories; exchange ideas; discuss body image, self-esteem, confidence, fashion, beauty, health, and a plethora of other topics.

What is Your Reflection Saying?

There comes a point in our life when the reflection of whom we are becomes much clearer. Finally we can honestly love what we see and see what we’ve longed to become. We no longer fight to stay loyal to our beliefs when we realize we were wrong. We hear things, that have been said many times before, for the first time with true understanding. We can accept criticism as a perspective. We have learned to respect the opinions of others even if we are not in agreement. We can agree to disagree. We may debate yet select our battles wisely. We are patient, happier, experienced, more honest and spiritual. We are better friends, wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, parents and children. When we become open to wisdom we are willing to grow. When we take time to look at our reflection in the mirror and determine whether or not we like it; we can decide if we want to change it.

Look a little closer at your eyes the next time you look in the mirror. Look deeply into them, past the color to the core of your soul and determine if you really like what you see and who you have become. What is your reflection saying?

Pain has a way of stopping the evolution of our soul so that we cannot move into a healthier space and live in peace, with happiness. It blocks our reflection from being crisp. It is cloudy and blended with fiction.

With every waking day we should seek happiness within ourselves and we will become a magnet for it once we achieve it. At the end of the day we should rest in the place closest to it so when we rise to begin the day we are already “happy”. We cannot find happiness in any other person if our own reflection is not revealing that truth in ourselves.

Too often, we try to disguise our lives with material things only to know the truth when we are left standing naked. We have gossiping sessions with our friends not to find out what’s going on, but what’s going wrong in their lives so that we can feel better about our own. Let’s change our hearts and adjust our hearing to solicit healthier and more honest conversations. Share the best you have to offer so that people can mirror your positive actions. When we look in the mirror, the goal should be to love what see. Self-reflection is the truth and the key to the evolution of a better you!

Hugs!

Marala Scott

• Hello Friends,
  
  I’ve been reading numerous articles on the lack of funding available for domestic violence shelters in many areas of the country. Shelters (which have saved countless lives and allowed women a fresh start from an abusive environment) are simply not receiving as many donations as they once were and funding has been cut substantially. Abuse victims and their children are being turned away from shelters only to return to their abusive households at alarming numbers. We need to continue to support our local shelters. However, this is just one of the many reasons we must educate our youth and everyone we can about the Indicators of an Abuser. Knowledge is power and we can prevent abuse by being more pervasive about educating our society.
  
  Understanding the warnings that someone could be walking into an unhealthy or abusive relationship is key in the prevention of domestic violence and child abuse. We need to provide and share information about the Indicators of an Abuser and allow people to make healthy and sensible decisions about a person before they become entangled in a devastating and deceptive relationship. Don't judge the book by the cover! Read between the lines and listen to what the indicators are telling you. Don't you want to warn your daughter or son about the realities of real life? Give them a head start on understanding what type of treatment in a relationship is not acceptable. Let your son know how not to treat a woman. Talk to your children before the abusive behavior is already established.
  
  Our goal is that the Indicators of an Abuser becomes a widespread resource for everyone (women and men). We believe that knowing the indicators is the first step in the prevention and awareness of domestic violence and child abuse. It doesn’t mean that everyone will make shrewd decisions but it does mean that we as a society will become more aware of what risky and unhealthy relationships are.
  
  Please take time to share the Indicators of an Abuser with someone you love, know, or believe may be headed in the wrong direction concerning a relationship. Understand that young men and women need to be familiar with these indicators early as this is a tool to help them realize if they too are displaying the signs of an abuser. Keep in mind that these indicators of an abuser may be the only reason they become aware that their behavior is abusive. We challenge you to share the Indicators of an Abuser with your children.
  
  Warm Blessings & Much Love,
  
  Marala Scott & Tré Parker
  

Indicators of an Abuser:
IF ANY OF THESE BEHAVIORS ARE OCCURRING, YOU NEED TO SEEK HELP OR CONTACT THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 800.799.SAFE (7233)

-Abusers are very controlling and very much in control
-Acts jealous of people you talk to
-A family history of abuse
-Demands sex, makes you perform sexual acts you are not comfortable with, or sexually assaults you
-Pushes, slaps, kicks, or otherwise assaults you
-Abuses your children
-Controls access to your medicines or medical devices
-Tries to make you feel worthless or helpless
-Forbids or prevents you from working or going to school
-Chastises you after social functions for talking with others
-Keeps money, credit cards, and checking accounts away from you
-Threatens to have you deported
-Throws dishes or other objects
-Blames you for his or her mistakes
-There is an excessive fear of conflict by the abused
-The behavior by the abused is submissive, and there is a lack of assertiveness
-Abuses your pet when angry with you
-Isolates you from friends and family
-Low self esteem
-Personality changes
-Fear of the partner
-Embarrasses and belittles you
-Constantly told hurtful things
-The abuser makes most of the decisions in the relationship

Forgive

In my journey through life there are many things that I’ve learned but one of the most important lessons is how and why to forgive. Because of my childhood I had a lot of pain and with pain came the responsibility of carrying a heavy suitcase filled with mistrust, doubt and anger. Overall, I had no faith in anyone but I could always count on the contents of my luggage. One thing I knew for sure was that what was inside my luggage would bail me out of every situation. If I met someone that seemed like he would make a great boyfriend with wonderful character, well I’d simply pull out mistrust. If I needed someone to count on, doubt was always there. But my big protector was anger. Anger was a little greedy as it took up most of the suitcase. Everywhere I went I just had to take that burdensome piece of luggage with me. Regardless of where I was in life, it didn’t take long for me to remember to open my luggage and let the contents run my life.

One day, I turned around and realized that I was alone and tired, but I had no one that would carry my heavy luggage. No one wanted the burden. Many people had their own luggage. So I had to keep dragging it along throughout my life and allowing the contents to keep holding me back because although I took it everywhere, it wasn’t wanted anywhere. With tearful eyes, I dropped to my knees, in faith, and prayed for God to help me with this problem. What was I to do?

There was one little word that flooded my heart and invaded my heavy spirit. That word was forgive. I huffed and refused. Why would I? That’s cowardly of me to let the people that hurt me the most off the hook. I can’t ... I won’t. I’d been carrying the luggage so long anyways that I didn’t need anyone to help me. Sure, it would be nice but ... forget it. The contents of my luggage protected me from everyone. So I picked up the tattered handle and dragged my luggage around a little longer until I realized that it was wearing me down. My heart was heavy and I was sad. I wasn’t moving at the pace I could have if I didn’t have this big, heavy piece of burdensome luggage, and when I opened it, oh, look out! I prayed again, in faith, that God would answer me. He did, but the same little word came, yet again, forgive.

I was deeply troubled because I knew that if I did … forgive … it meant that everything I’d been through was for nothing. Everyone that hurt me and caused me great pain got off the hook. Just like that they would be forgiven for everything they did to me. What about my pain and suffering? Surely I wasn’t going to let anyone off the hook. So … you guessed it, a few more long years passed with me dragging my luggage. Although I was a bit unhappier because of mistrust, doubt and anger, I felt safe with my luggage. The contents sure caused a lot of problems and losses. There came a point when I wasn’t confident it was worth keeping that luggage anymore so I prayed, again. This time, I opened my heart and asked God to help me, because it was too big a task for me to take on alone. He did, as He had before and it was a process I was finally willing to undertake. I had nothing to lose but mistrust, doubt and a lot of anger.

I didn’t forget anything that happened to me as a child but I realized how many years I wasted dragging that luggage. The forgiving wasn’t for anyone other than me. They’d probably forgotten what they did to me or perhaps they had asked to be forgiven at some point. Some of the people that hurt me I never even saw again but, I thought the burden of carrying that luggage was protecting me. It wasn’t. It was destroying me. Just me. I had wasted years, for nothing. Why was I so determined to be angry when I had a whole wonderful life ahead of me to enjoy with the past long behind me with each waking day.

It wasn’t until I let the word forgive have true significance in my life that I began to truly live. I was able to let go of that luggage and take any flight I wanted without penalty of that heavy bag. The power mistrust, doubt and anger have are destructive. The act of forgiving someone is an amazing release to your spirit. When I did, I realized the pain in my past allowed me to help others in my future. Forgive. Try it soon. Don’t waste your valuable life the way I did.

Love & Blessings,

Marala Scott

P.S. - Is there anything you want God to forgive you for?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Let’s Talk About it.

While I personally appreciate that we have a Domestic Violence Awareness Month to heighten our attention to this disturbing worldwide issue, part of preventing it is talking about it every day. We need to keep such preventative measures such as the “Indicators of an Abuser” in the watchful eye of the media. We need to stay in the ears of our sons and daughters about this issue in order to prevent it. Teaching them that abuse is never acceptable is a step that we should impart into our childrens moral fiber early in life and continue throughout it. If we don’t wait until they are teenagers we haven’t waited until their self-esteem is so low that they are afraid to speak up. We should never watch our sons and daughters fill with rage and do nothing about it expecting that it will go away instead of come out. We must speak about abuse openly before they become teenagers and leave home ready to fight their way through life the wrong way. We should not be too busy to know the real person your child is dating. You should know if the relationship is healthy or not. Be involved. Be concerned. Be present. Talk to them about the “Indicators of an Abuser” before it’s too late.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month should not be one month out of a year. Just the same as any other awareness. It is a good start, but the rest is up to us. Please do your part and talk to your children. The characters you let them see in your life will be the same that penetrates theirs. Especially if you’ve been through it, don’t be too embarrassed to share your experience and pain with your kids to help save them. Your difficult but unselfish act of sharing your story could help save them from a lifetime of pain. Silence can be deadly.

It’s time we start talking more openly about the warning signs of an abuser and share the “Indicators of an Abuser” with your children and anyone you may think may need them. Share them anonymously if you must, but share them. Part of the problem is that we can’t prevent what we don’t acknowledge. Visit www.inourhouse907.blogspot.com to learn and share the “Indicators of an Abuser.”

Be Blessed,


Marala Scott & Tre’ Parker

Define The Moment You HEAL

Hello Friends,

Since the publication of the memoir, (In Our House: Perception vs. Reality) I’ve had the privilege to travel and speak to some of the most amazing people. It is truly a humbling experience to share my life with others in hopes and with prayers that they too realize that their pain cannot hold them hostage if they chose not to let it. I look upon the disheartening and drawn faces of women and men who have been violently abused and some who have been the abusers. They have stories to share and pain to unburden and sometimes they share that I am the only one they've told. The tears don’t take long to follow their choked upon words.

You see, society has hidden domestic violence and child abuse as though those of us who have been afflicted with it are wearing the scarlet letter. Most people don't want to discuss or even hear about domestic violence and child abuse because it means then they should do something about it. But, why wait for society to do something that we ourselves (who are a part of society) don't do; which is to share our story and help others understands that we have a commonality. We have the most powerful voice because we speak from experience. We have the ability to HEAL (Help Educate and Alter Lives) through sharing our story we share our strength and inspire others. Believe me when I say, talking through your pain can help you breathe and walk away from it with your head held high!

The more we speak out and share our history will define the moment that we begin to HEAL because we can find solutions and help prevent abuse in all forms from happening. Sharing is caring. Silence can be deadly.

Blessings and Love,

Marala Scott